Sabbatical Surprises and Personal Learnings

I didn’t expect that revisiting old wounds—places, people, and memories I had avoided for years would become a doorway into healing, not re-traumatization. Replacing the years of feared-anticipation, followed freedom from facing the demons and pain of the past.

Although sabbatical offered the gift of openness, I found myself repeatedly avoiding addressing areas from my past known as “neatly packaged areas of pain” from the past.

Let me share vulnerably a profound and beautiful dream I had just a month before my sabbatical started. I’m not new to dreaming vividly. I sit up and pay attention when dreams come with powerful emotions. This particular one was profound with depth and meaning. In my dream there existed a bountiful sunshine ray creating a visual of irridescent waters seen from cliffs - cliffs that were recognizable to me as the ones I knew while living in England. This view included fish of all kinds many that glowed in irridescent fashion through the water so clear you could drink it.

This was the kind of dream you don’t want to turn away from or wake up from.

Upon waking the irony was not lost. The place and people I feared facing, the “neatly packaged past” in reality was the same place that was simultaneously repulsive from pain and drawing me in through the overwhelming beauty seen in a dream - might the beauty have always been there, simultaneously overshadowed and stolen by the darkness?

I can still see that prophetic-feeling dream. I had to ask, what might God have for me in this place; this familiar yet seemingly dreadful place filled with memories of isolation and depression - some of the most painful memories of my life?

While wrestling with facing the memories I thought I had healed from, I stumbled upon the surprise gift of a person I didn't know I needed. I discovered my aligned sabbatical coach living in that exact place - maybe a sign, if nothing else, an invitation to confront what seemed so potentially disruptive to the trauma of my past. The human accompaniment and safe attachment figure I found in her, highlighted the lacking many years prior and how brave and incredibly courageous a younger me had been all those years ago.

This gift of a person was the illuminated light in the waters of my dream. A tangible healing partner for the intangible pain.   

The surprises and highlights… 

Returning to England nearly 30 years after deeply painful and emotionally destructive ministry service season, I found a redemptive, even joyful experience waiting for me in the people and the place. Introducing my husband and children to that place, reconnecting with beloved people, and rewriting the narrative surprised me with its power.

The same was true in Pasadena, Malaga, Spain, and other spaces of loss and transition. Facing what I had long feared, loosened the hold those memories had on me creating space for the beautiful memories to emerge. I was reminded of my love for travel, for all the years of home in Europe and the way our family shows up best when we are on the road.

I was surprised by how closely my personal healing was tied to the future of the organization of The Way Between. As I experienced emotional and financial freedom, it became clear that these values must be embedded in how we structure the organizations and programs as well as how we develop leaders. I recognized leadership formed through hustle, fear, or over-functioning is not sustainable. Our future must be built on rest, clarity, and wholeness.

Another surprise was how much pain I was still carrying from the systems I’ve been a part of especially as a woman in ministry - the sense of being unseen, the hustle to survive, the emotional toll of leading in male-dominated environments where power distribution often goes unchecked had taken its toll on me.

Listening to the Rise and Fall of Mars Hill podcast highlighted for me that when we step into leadership responsibilities prematurely, we are prone to take our immaturity and create toxic and unhealthy environments. I was reminded of my need for older and wiser leaders that will go “toe to toe” in challenging my assumptions and ways of leading.

What surprised me even more was the deep healing that came simply from being invited to the table from day one as a recipient of the Duke/Lily Foundation grant. As an equal, as a leader, as someone whose voice mattered, I was welcomed. That validation helped silence the imposter syndrome in ways that opened me up to the next many months that followed. As well, the invitation to the table was not just for my body, but my whole self- ideas, intuitions, voice and all. 

I found myself dreaming again - literally and figuratively. I honestly didn’t expect to want to stay as the director of this organization of which I founded. I assumed I would return from sabbatical ready to let go, maybe ready to move into a different role or season. But instead, I realized it was not the leadership role I was ill-equipped or misaligned in, but rather other roles I am not equipped for such as board chair, head of development, marketing and administration. In taking on all of these roles as one does in start-up mode, while necessary for a time, highlighted that I’ve been limiting both myself and the organization. Letting go of certain hats now feels like a possibility and an act of obedience in stewardship for those we serve.

As well, I wanted to continue, not from duty, but from desire and sheer joy of being able to serve. That shift from exhaustion to renewed vision was a beautiful surprise. I began to imagine doing this work with more support, more clarity, and from a place of abundance instead of burnout. Through the pause and the waiting, I could begin to see the beauty in the waiting.

And finally, I was surprised by the joy. Not just relief, or closure, but joy. Revisiting former clients in their contexts, re-engaging in communities I love and served, and seeing my children thrive again being abroad reminded me that our story, both mine and this organization’s, is far from over.

What I thought might be the end has in many ways become a new beginning. I’m excited for this next chapter…the gift of perspective and a buena vista (beautiful view) that I will carry with me for years to come.

Stay tuned…there is more to come. For all of us.

Thanks for reading along and supporting us in the work we get to do alongside of ministry leaders around the globe.

Overcoming my Greatest Sabbatical Obstacles

I would tell myself on repeat, “this is what we do but it’s not all that I am.” Being a sabbatical coach that takes a sabbatical presents it’s own set of challenges. For the last 8 years as I have created, lead, guided, and listened, I have secretly been gathering up ideas of how I wanted to live out my own sabbatical one day - I had been taking my own notes. To say that I had thought about how I wanted to sabbatical was a gross understatement!

So, on the first day of my sabbatical, when my house was at an all-time level of destruction in a 6-month construction project, including the kitchen sink and temporary camping stove set-up in the garage, disappointment was the prominent feeling! This is far from the restful environment my whole self so desperately needed. What promises the contractor made, were laughable by anyone who has ever undertaken such a project - to date, I was not one of those naively inexperienced people. One of my greatest obstacles would become allowing myself to be in the messy space of living life while on sabbatical.

The pressure increased externally as I would attend church, a church that systematically promoted sabbaticals for the staff. However, I was likely the only person many had ever lived life in real time with while on sabbatical - pastors were nowhere to be found when on sabbatical, and rightfully so. Weekly, people would ask me what I was doing with the time and how it was going. (no pressure!)

I realize through hindsight that one of my greatest obstacles, not that dissimilar to others we work with in this process, was trust. Trust in the process and learning God wanted to highlight and trust in the people replacing me. Learning to trust others to carry the load was initially harder than I thought, though I’m incredibly grateful and proud of the team that was in place working extra on behalf of my absence. Slowing down, intentionally planning and then beginning to hand off responsibilities in the release phase, meant facing everything I had been too busy, too afraid, or too responsible to confront. It meant facing myself with profound honesty at the place of development this organization is in.

 Here’s how the time within my phases of sabbatical broke down:

Phase 1 REALIZE - 18 months (longer than many but not uncommon, either)

Phase 2 RELEASE - 5 months

Phase 3 RESTORATION - 2 months and 29 days (Nearly my entire time on sabbatical!)

Phase 4 REFLECTION - 1 day, AND also 3 months while no longer on sabbatical

Phase 5 RE-ENTRY - 3 months-ish

Practically, one of the greatest challenges was confronting the misalignment in my organization’s structure - the one I had helped build. As much as this was a season of reflection, I couldn’t ignore the tension between what I was called to do and what I was actually spending my energy on. The clarity I gained, about my gifting, my limits, and our unsustainable model, cried out for change.And change, especially in nonprofit and ministry work, is never easy. Change takes risk, difficult conversations, and the willingness to disrupt what is comfortable for the sake of what is necessary.

Given that my sabbatical was only 3 months, I used my last day to engage with familiar tools related specifically to my roles. I wanted to address whether going back to them were in question and/or whether I would live out the next many months releasing responsibilities. While I spent only 1 set-aside day in reflection of my vocational work and alignment with TWB, I would intentionally reflect for several more months as I put hats back on and re-entered the work. While reflection continues to this day, it feels like the vocational questions cease for a time; Wrapped up as I take back all of the hats with a plan to release 3 in the next 6-12 months.

Another obstacle for me in hindsight, was the emotional cost and energy needed to revisit unresolved relationships and painful memories. Returning to the places where grief, betrayal, and disillusionment had taken root required more courage than I anticipated. There were moments when I questioned why I had agreed to reopen wounds that had been carefully closed. But what I discovered was that healing doesn’t come from forgetting or moving on. It comes from directly facing the past with honesty, compassion, and curiosity. It comes from returning to the stories we thought had already been written and allowing God to speak something new down the spiral staircase of attentiveness.

Perhaps the deepest obstacle, though, was inside of me. The internal work of trusting God again not just for provision, but for restoration felt like the voices of scarcity I thought were limited to questions of finance. I had lived under a scarcity mindset for so long in every area of life, that dreaming felt dangerous. Over the last 18 months, I began to believe and directly see that God could provide—not just financially, but in relationships, in healing, in leadership, and in my identity - patience is not my strongest attribute.

This process stripped away illusions I didn’t realize I was holding. It exposed how leadership had become entangled with fear, and it invited me into something freer, truer, and more whole. The obstacle of taking the time was great—but the freedom on the other side of those sacrifices, and the gifts I discovered in it all were beyond worth it. 

Creating a Resume that Stands Out…Regardless of Your Past Experience: TOOL

Career searching requires tenacity

Creating a Resume that Stands Out…No Matter What Your Past Experience

I could say, like many others. I’ve primarily worked in the non-profit world. I’ve only ever really done donation-based work. I’m 48 years old. What do I have to offer?

When I compare myself to men who didn’t take time off to raise children, or others who didn’t spend time learning language or moving cross-culturally, I feel as though my life, to date, may not have much to show for it.

I’m not typically bothered by these things as I chose this path and loved most of it! However, when applying for a new position, when one’s self esteem is shaky, it is easy to get trapped in the limiting language of vocational success. The familiar voices of condescend sound: What have I done with my life? how much have I earned? what have I done with the time? What have I accomplished? it’s too late to start over now.

When we mine transferable skills, looking at the details of the whole of our experiences, we can begin to see that the common, everyday tasks unique to MY life have mattered. I can see clearer that God has used my life for good. And I still have a lot to offer!

Putting a resume together:

~60 minutes

1.     Find a resume template you like. There are many free ones on the web. If you’re skilled with design, create your own or use a free platform like Canva. You can also hire a one-time designer on 99designs.com or fiverr.com.

2.     Start with the transferable skills list you created (see “building your transferable skill list for resumes”)

3.     List the top 3-4 organizations most relevant to the job you’re seeking in chronological order, most recent first. The most logical way to represent this is to include the name of the organization, location and general role title. Include the years worked, as well.

4.     When listing the transferable skills, put them in the most relevant order. Combine skills if they are similar or don’t say something new.

5.     On the most looked at area of the page, the right hand side, include a picture, your contact information and any other relevant information such as degrees earned and interests. Keep it brief, but give interesting information that highlights why you are unique and worth consideration for the position you’re seeking.

6.     Finally, at the bottom, include a few relevant references. Having a few names of key people who can attest to your hard work, validates and gives credibility to what you’ve listed above, regardless of if they are ever contacted. A former employer, professor, or relevant connection. Be intentional in who you list particular to the job responding to.

You are trying to limit the information to what is most relevant in a field of work you would like to do more of. As well, you’re intent is to keep it concise and to the point. One page is still the norm, but depending on your age, up to 2 is still considered permissible. (The exception to the rule is an expressed request for publications or an added portfolio for artists and designers).

Because we want to err on the side of relevant and concise, recognize you can’t include everything. Consider making 2-3 versions of your resume, targeting different types of work.

Many hesitate if there have been a break in years if you went back to school, had children, or performed tasks that are not as important to the job you’re applying for. Be ready and willing to share what those dates, without apology. Listing other hobbies or certificates gained in the break in years or voluntary positions held in those windows, may serve as explanation enough.

There is no need to list all of your certificates, accolades, or knowledge gained. A website, a linkedIn profile, a biography or a blog are other places to link on your resume and point people to your history of work. Likely they will do the work of discovering who you are in this information age. There is no need to list everything.

Show the diversity of who you are and what you do. Don’t underestimate a simple job. One friend of mine who is an engineer, highlighted that he was a waiter in college. They said they gave him the job because they knew he would have great people and conflict management skills, historically lacking in this field. 

Now, step back, reevaluate, don’t be too hard on yourself, ask for feedback, share this fine piece of hard work with others in a similar field. And ultimately be proud of yourself for all that you have done in your life!

Learning the Transferable Skills Language for Resume Building

Transferable Skills

In the book What Color is Your Parachute, Career Coach, Richard Bolles talks about 3 ways of discussing what you’re good at. This list is broken down into good with people, good with things, good with ideas. It is important to note that those categories are further broken down.

People – Individuals or groups

Things – the body, materials, objects, equipment, buildings, animals

Ideas – Information, data or ideas

What’s important to know about the way that Bolles talks about these categories is that the more specific we can get, the better we highlight our unique fingerprint on the world. What you’re ultimately exploring is an understanding of your transferable skills in the form of verbs that describe what you do best. To get at these, we.ask what, how and who questions. “What questions” will answer the things you do, the “who questions” answer the people you do it with and the “how questions” will inform if you use ideas, objects, people, etc.  

What do you do everyday?

Who is impacted when you do it?

How do you interact with your world?

What is accomplished when you engage?

Who benefits when you deliver a service?

How do you get the job done?

“What you’re ultimately exploring is an understanding of your transferable skills in the form of verbs that describe what you do best.”

Skill verbiage list (transferable skills broken down into 3 categories: Things, Ideas & Information or People.)

When you picture your past, were you working alone, with individuals or with a group? Were you working with ideas or things?

Process (45 min - 1.5 hours)

Step 1: Think about jobs that you have had in the past. They may be voluntary positions or full-time paid positions. Specifically think about ones that you enjoyed. There is no use creating a resume of all the jobs you hated, only to end up in the same type of work again. Many make this mistake in career searching.

Step 2: As you think about past jobs that brought you life, answer the following by circling from the list below or writing the words on a separate piece of paper…I am good at and enjoy working with:_____________

1)    Things -

a)     Skills with the body > using my hands, using my body, having agility, speed

b)    skills with materials & objects > crafting, sewing, weaving, cutting, carving, molding, shaping, sculpting, painting, restoring, cleaning, preparing, making, producing, cooking, maintaining, repairing,  

c)     skills with equipment > Assembling, operating, controlling, maintaining, repairing

d)    skills with building > constructing, reconstructing, modeling, or remodeling

e)    skills with growing things > growing a garden, caring for animals,

2)    Ideas & Information –

a)    Creating, Compiling, searching, researching, gathering information, observing, synthesizing, analyzing, organizing, prioritizing, planning, evaluating, memorizing, managing, managing, studying, imagining, inventing, designing

3)    People -

a)     Individuals > taking instructions, serving, helping, communicating in person, in writing, instructing, teaching, training, advising, coaching, counseling, mentoring, empowering, diagnosing, treating, referring, connecting, evaluating, assessing, persuading, selling, recruiting, representing, interpreting, intuiting

b)    Groups or Organizations > leading, guiding, speaking, writing, teaching, training, designing events, persuading, consulting, giving advice, connecting, establishing, negotiating, resolving conflict, hearing all sides, considering, contemplating, reading a room

Note: If this list is not comprehensive enough, consult a thesaurus to gain better words that describe you. You might also do a quick internet search on “functional transferable skills”

What you should end up with is a list of verbs and actions which begin to create the next step towards looking at lengthy job descriptions and help begin to create your resume.

If you’re struggling to come up with a list, consider doing the following. 1. Take a self-assessment inventory like strengths finder or a personality test like the Myers-Briggs. 2. Ask a trusted friend, relative or a coach for honest feedback. 3. Consider going for a walk or doodling to take your mind off of this and let your brain do the work from the bottom up (right brain) rather than the left, logical, linear top down brain.

If at all possible let this list-finding grow. It can be incredibly enjoyable in the career search process to remember times in your past that were life-giving. Lean into this and allow yourself to dream a little in the process.

Build Your Resume: Mining Your Transferable Skills TOOL

Your story is unique!

Building Your Transferable Skill List for Resumes

I’ve heard it many times before…

“What would I have to offer if I didn’t do this work that I’ve always done.”

“I’ve been in ____field, doing ____type of work, for the last 10, 20, or 40 years. I can’t start over at this point.”

Hearing “I have nothing to offer” is a limiting belief that stirs emotions deep inside of me. It calls forth the exhorter in me and reminds me of the passion to catalyze others creativity and unique calling in the world.

Without even knowing you, I am certain that you have a lot to give! You have a unique fingerprint in the world. Your life matters and what you do matters!   

Finding the right people, the right organization or the right team that value you, is your ultimate mission. Acknowledging the limiting beliefs that keep you from living into your fulfillment is a necessary part of vocational discernment.

If I could sit down with each person that I hear a similar sentiment from, I would do two things: First I’d listen to their life, their passions and their talents. And secondly I’d ask, who or what was impacted because of what they’ve done? I would want to affirm that they matter and that what they have done is important.  

When we’re in the trenches of our own stories, often feeling overwhelmed in the midst of transition, and lacking affirmation it is easy to forget where we’ve come from. Perspective is the number one thing that is needed in these times. A way to gain leverage and a new viewpoint to be able to see what is true, good, notable, praiseworthy from our lives. Perspective in these times is often found in others. That’s one of the primary roles I play with people.  

For just one hour, I challenge you to set aside the notion that “I have nothing to offer the world, if I’m not doing x”.

Whether a pastor, a mom, a non-profit worker, we all have many skills that we have done in the past, in a specific way for a unique purpose.

Here’s the formula:

Learned, applied and enjoyed skill +

Environment (Specific way = people, things, ideas & information) +

Quantity of time/Unique purpose (verb + object + adjective) =

Transferable Skill

In writing a resume we want you to draw on your experience to create your future.  Identifying these skills that you had that are able to be transferred into a new role in the future, regardless of the organization, is the goal.

While you don’t want to exaggerate or minimize the work you’ve done, this is your chance to highlight the unique skillset that you have. These transferable skills lists will give a future employer an opportunity to better understand what you have to bring to a new company. This process will also serve as an exercise in self awareness highlighting for you the contributions you have made thus far as well as start to point you in the direction of what you want to do more of.

Mining your Transferable Skills

~60 minutes

Goal: Let your history speak new life into your future. Mine the value of previously-held roles to determine transferable skills for a resume and future job.

Part I – Mind Mapping Skills

1.     Consider the last 10 years of your life. Brainstorm the jobs you’ve had and roles you filled during this duration.*

2.     In the center of each circle, list the job titles you’ve had. (i.e. waitress, teacher, pastor, writer, mom)

3.     Starting with your favorite role, brainstorm which skills you had to use within that role. See skill verbiage list below. Ask yourself this one question: What are the verbs, the actions that you performed this week?

4.     Creating lines from each circle, consider all the work that you did in that particular role. Using action words, break down the list of jobs (i.e. execute, serve, deliver, administer, create).

5.     Go back and cross out action verbs you disliked and circle words you liked and desire to do more of. (i.e. execute, serve, deliver, administer, create).

6.     Continue to expand on the role you enjoyed most. Using a thesaurus or a brainstorm of words (see below), let the action words represent you best. (i.e. teaching = adapted, advised, coordinated, communicated, developed, evaluated, guided, informed, instructed, persuaded, etc.). The more descriptive you can be the more user friendly words you’ll have for the next steps.

* If you were without work or in a role that was unfulfilling, consider a longer period of time than stated above.

Congratulations, you have just completed the first stage of understanding your transferable skill set for resume building

Part II – Environment = Who or What was impacted?

While identifying our skill set is challenging, moreso than that is the ability to recognize how and where to use this treasure chest of unique-to-me gifts.

The next step in understanding your transferable skills is to ask, who or what was impacted?

Go back over the skills that you enjoyed and create new lines branching from those skills and add THE OBJECT of the skill. (i.e. Children, cross-cultural workers, animals, a completed book, a clean closet, a fixed car).

What we’re looking for is not a single item or time that you performed a skill. We’re searching for the list that makes you stand out in a crowd. Consdier what you did many times, in an extraordinary way, with incredible results.

I.e. I made ice cream (Kindof neat but not that unusual). I made ice cream every weekend for 2 years for 100 people. (That’s a lot of time and a lot of mouths but I want more details!) I created 25 new flavors of ice cream over the course of 2 years for more than 100 people. (That’s impressive and not something I’ve ever done!). Bonus: List your top three hot sellers!

Part III – Quantity/Unique Purpose

Finally, how often or how many times did you do x skill? We’re looking for the quantifiable results of what you have done.  What change took place? What value was gained in the world because of your contribution?

Examples:

*Organized fundraising events for 5 non-profits over 10 years, raising over 1 million dollars in donations.

*Educated 3500 university students in East Africa, during the course of 12 years on issues of social injustice towards women

*Coached over 1000 people to complete their sabbatical over the course of 10 years
*Assessed vocational fit utilizing mid-career assessment tools I co-created
*Hosted over 300 global workers in our home for a total of 30000 hours of rest and recooperation

Which of these stand out to you? What questions would you ask if you were the interviewer?

A few things to consider:

Don’t get caught up in the minute details of numbers of for example, how often or how many. Go with the information that you know or the most accurate understanding of how you functioned in a given role. Most important is what you did and secondarily is how you did it. Keep the information accurate and be willing to give a reference for several of these transferable skills. Someone who can validate your experience.  

Note: If you’re over 40 you should have a long list to chose from. They may not all be in the same line of work. They may not make sense in light of what you might want to do. 

I recall a story of a friend of mine who graduated college with a degree in Engineering. He and I had worked as servers at a local restaurant together. When he went to interview for engineering jobs, they were incredibly impressed that he had relational skills gained from the service industry. Inevitably he got the job. Maybe in part by his engineering experience, but I would guess because he included other transferable skills such as conflict resolution learned during his years of service outside of engineering.

Note: If you’re under 40, you may have to expand on some of the details further or consider the same role and different angles based on the type of work you’re looking to fill.

Top tip!: When you’re creating a resume, you will want to choose from your longer list the skills that are relevant from your past that you want to transfer to a new role. This may seem counter-intuitive to the way resumes were written in the past, because it is. Hiring committees and HR departments are looking for you to shine and stand out apart from the stack of other applicants. The approach of using transferable skills will allow them to converse with you on a relatable basis. Trust me, you will stand out.

The 6 Marriage & Vocation Profiles: A Common Language For Clarity of Expectations

Originally posted October 22, 2014

Partnership in Marriage and Vocational Work

While it’s arguable that we are drawn to our partners because of their complimentary traits illuminating who we are not. There is no predictive precedence for guaranteeing that we will work together well. There are certain vocations, such as working together cross-culturally that require harmonious work/family life balance or at minimum, an acknowledgment of the defining roles. And yet seldom do we see intentional effort put forth to discuss how to value both parties’ unique callings. The classification of the differing postures is one such effort - to give common language to the posturing and any correlating tensions.

In Bobby Clinton’s leadership studies, he categorizes how couples work out their partnership in marriage and vocational work together using 6 common profiles. This paradigm helps unpack where tension may arise and where attention may be needed.

While the variety of profiles may be equally legitimate and acceptable, each couple must decide on their own (and likely along with their organization) how their values will be lived out. While these profiles may change for various reasons - considering limitations and seasons of life such as retirement, child-bearing, etc., it is important that couples understand, identify and discuss which profile they currently live out and which one they may want to live into.

1. Internal/External profiles

One spouse concentrates primarily on external (outside of the home) vocation as a career and is the chief source of economic support. The other spouse concentrates on the home environment (internal). Both participate as much as possible in each other’s sphere and needs.

2. Co-work/partnership profile

Both are engaged full-time in the SAME external (outside of the home) vocational work together. Both share EQUALLY in meeting the internal family needs.

3. Independent vocational profile

Both spouses give themselves to full time external vocation in DIFFERENT settings that are relatively independent of each other.

4. Alternative vocational profile

The spouses alternate the release profile, internal ministry for varying portions of time. Each releases and helps the other develop the external career or educational pursuit for significant portions of time. It IS a planned swap.

5. Delayed vocation profile

A variation of the internal/external profile. Both spouses had vocational pursuits before marriage. One spouse drops most external pursuits and concentrates on meeting the needs of the family. Eventually that spouse re-enters external vocation that is independent or joint vocation.

This often happens when couples begin to have children. The major implication is that 
changing roles and expectations must be clearly articulated.

6. Non-Harmonious profile

One or the other spouses opposes the other’s role in or some significant way hinders fulfillment of potential. Needs are not met whether economic, strategic or social. This is not a recommended profile!

Reflection on the Profiles:

Why is it helpful to label these postures of work/marital role operating? Unclear expectations of roles, whether in the workplace or home setting, cause equally disruptive harmony to the system.

In the working world, role clarity and perception is equated with performance. The level to which expectations are communicated is often the level to which performance is seen. “All of life is uncertain; it is the perception of too much uncertainty that undercuts focus and performance.” When expectations are not clear and remain uncertain, people feel threatened, confused and make poor decisions.

Being able to clearly identity where you fit in any role, but especially a key role such as marriage, gives language to any emotional dissonance, misfit or discord. On the other hand, the language may speak equal volume to what is going well and how you want to continue on in your current profile structure.

Simultaneously, this language speaks to personal and marital calling. Are you (singular and plural), in this particular arrangement, able to live your unique calling and way the world needs your fingerprint? While we work with couples and individuals cross-culturally, it is evident that many spouses are not content with the current unspoken arrangement. This discontent leads to attrition when not addressed or given space for equal voice.

There are many ways to utilize this tool. One suggested method is to set aside an hour to discuss this with your spouse. Each person answer the following questions without the other being able to defend or disagree - just validate. Create a safe and open space for the conversation. If needed, give it some space and come back to it or find an outsider to reflect with.

1. Which profile most accurately describes your current approach to vocation and family life together?

2. How well is your vocation/family life balance working right now?

3. Which profile or mix of profiles would best suit your next phase of development?

4. What could you be doing as a couple to grow in your partnership in marriage and vocation?

5. What challenges does this profile include?

If you find that you, as a married couple are at an impasse with how to proceed seek out an objective outside coach or counselor to help you continue this conversation.

Adapted from “Social Base Processing” by Dr Robert J Clinton, Barnabas Publishers, 1993.